Peter Mullen

Mohamed ElBaradei

Mohamed ElBaradei, the chief of the UN nuclear inspection team, has said that if Israel attacks Iran he will resign. I haven't heard anything so fatuous since Archbishop Sentamu tore up his dog collar and said he would not wear another until Mugabe went from power. I guess Israel feel about as threatened by the possibility of Baradei's resignation as Mugabe felt by Sentamu's futile gesture. Sentamu is of course the past master of the futile gesture. What an outlook for the Cburch of England (by the way) to have as Archbishop of York that past master of the futile gesture and in Canterbury the Regius Professor of Obfuscation

What is Israel supposed to do? It is surrounded by hostile states which have four times launched wars against it since 1948. Iran has declared its intention to "wipe Israel off the map." Are the Israelis supposed to sit back and wait for Iran to develop the nuclear weapons which would enable it to make that threat a reality?

Baradei has of course failed in his responsibility to prevent the Iranians from developing nuclear weapons. Israel is a civilised, democratic modern state fighting for its very survival, surrounded by tyrannical, shambolic regimes which are preferred above Israel by the impotent appeasers in the UN and by the British Foreign Office which always dances to the Arab tune

A great many in the West's political and diplomatic establishment would quite like to see Israel wiped off the map. Of course they would cry their crocodile tears while inwardly rejoicing over the removal of a state which they have always seen as a problem. By doing nothing himself to prevent Iran's getting hold of the bomb and by condemning Israel for its even preparing to defend itself against nuclear destruction, Baradei and his Muslim pals and their toadies in the Foreign Office would be responsible for a second Holocaust   

Matthew Parris

Matthew Parris is wilfully refusing to give his readers his opinion about the recent "gay wedding" and about relationships between the church and homosexuals generally. He says, "When it comes to the church, synagogue or mosque, if you think the whole thing ridiculous, its hard to get excited about the ridiculousness of a subset of it. I should feel the same if morris dancers or the British Astrological Society tried to exclude gays."

So, for Parris, the views of billions of Christians, Jews and Muslims worldwide are of no more consequence than a couple of obscure sectional interests. From what point of privileged judgement does he thus discount 4000 years of civilisation? The great world religions have survived the criticisms of far more intelligent and better informed opponents than the ignorant upstart Parris. There is a whole history and literature of distinguished apologetics for religious belief, but Parris will attend to none of it - sufficient only to attract his disdain is mainstream religion's disapproval of homosexual acts.

Since Parris will not dirty his hands by entering theological discussions with his readers, perhaps I might answer for religious believers in the purely utilitarian terms which even the lofty Parris is bound to engage with. We disapprove of homosexuality because it is clearly unnatural, a perversion and corruption of natural instincts and affections, and because it is a cause of fatal disease. The AIDS pandemic was originally caused by promiscuous homosexual behaviour. Such promiscuity is itself an evil because its perpetrators merely use others indiscriminately for their own gratification, treating their fellows as sex objects and as means to an end rather than as ends in themselves. I should have thought that Parris, having rejected religious belief, might want to construct his moral beliefs on this Kantian humanistic imperative. But I suspect he is not really interested in morality of any kind - except as a special plea to excuse his lust for gratification at whatever cost to human dignity and the sanctity of human life.

It is time that religious believers began to recommend specific utilitarian discouragements of homosexual practices after the style of warnings on cigarette packets: Let us make it obligatory for homosexuals to have their backsides tattooed with the slogan SODOMY CAN SERIOUSLY DAMAGE YOUR HEALTH and their chins with FELLATIO KILLS. In addition the obscene "gay pride" parades and carnivals should be banned for they give rise to passive corruption, comparable to passive smoking. Young people forced to witness these excrescences are corrupted by them.

Let me continue the comparison with smoking which is banned in most public places. Those committing homosexual acts in public places - such behaviour being a crime in any case under the Homosexual Reform Act of 1967 - should be arrested, tried and punished. Parks, open spaces and public lavatories would at once become more wholesome places. There ought to be teaching films shown in sex education classes in all our schools. These would portray acts of sodomy and the soundtrack would reinforce the message that it is a filthy practice ending with the admonition: "We do, after all, know the importance of washing our hands after going to the lavatory."   

But I should like to turn Parris' disdain for religion back on to him. If I consider that homosexual practices are vile, why should I concern myself with subsets of their aspects? I might as well concern myself with other minor irrelevancies such as the Doris Day fanclub and polo-neck sweaters

Bailed terrorist

So now Osama bin Laden's right hand man is to be let out on bail. He can't be sent back to Jordan because this would - allegedly - deny him his human rights under the UN Human Rights Act. So a sworn enemy of Britain who has a record of encouraging terrorism is to be freed to carry on his career. Britain should withdraw from the UN Convention on Human Rights.

Forget 42 days detention for suspected terrorists. This man is more than a suspect: he's got form. I suppose the 42 days detention will be reserved for really serious offenders such as those caught with a can of beer on the underground, smoking in a shopping arcade or not sorting his rubbish into the correct recycling bags.

We are dying of political correctness

Gay wedding at St Bartholomew's

          Gay wedding at St Bartholomew’s EC1

The Bishop of London is in a high huff

Because Dr Dudley has married a puff;

And not just one puff – he’s married another:

Two priests, two puffs and either to other.

“It isn’t a wedding, for that’s not allowed;

They’ve just come together and promised and vowed

To shack up and snug up, to have and to hold:

Ooh aren’t we radical! Ooh aren’t we bold!”

Now here’s a most queer and most wonderful thing:

He’s given his hand, he’s offered his ring;

And each to the other forever will bend,

After their troll in the coach up West End.

Not a flash wedding, no pics in Hello!

Just a honeymoon cottage, convenient so.

Of such Dr Dudley a goldmine has found,

From shaven-head puftas the nuptial pink pound.

The new Church of England embraces diversity,

A fresh modulation on ancient perversity:

“I’m C of E and PC so don’t think it odd of me

To offer a licence and blessing for sodomy.”

Radio Narcissism

There are serious events taking place today: abroad, the return of Bhutto to Karachi; at home, a 16 year old boy shot dead in a playground in Sheffield; in politics the summit in Portugal to ratify the European Constitution. So the BBC's PM news programme leads off with a full twenty minutes of news and interviews (bleating) about staff cuts in the BBC. It reminds me of the wall-to-wall coverage they supplied on the news of the death of the disc-jockey, that mediocrity John Peel - again one of their own.

Do they actually think we are interested? I hope they carry out their threat to go on strike in protest at the cuts. Silence is better than the trivialisation of news and current affairs

Happy junkies make clean water

Wonderful to hear that the social services are rewarding junkies who provide them with a "clean" urine sample with the drug of their choice. Heroin addicts may be given methadone or antidepressants - or even diamorphine (prescription heroin)

I should like to see this arrangement extended. If I supply a sample of clean wee wee may I claim my free case of Chateau Margaux please?

And the scheme has even wider possibilities: why not reward successful slimmers with cheeseburgers and Black Forest gateau; smokers who've managed to quit with 200 packs of Capstan Full Strength; fill the swag sacks of unsuccessful burglars with pieces of household silver etc etc?

Fatties can't help it

A huge and costly "scientific" report has concluded that that it's not my fault if I get fat. Obesity is, according to this report, not the fault of the individual for eating too much instant, packaged food and slumping in front of the computer or TV all day; rather it is all due to societal changes. This is nonsense: it is not possible for something called "society" or "the nation" to go to the gym and to eat sensibly. Whether a person gets fat or not is all down to the personal decisions he makes about eating and exercise. I am no more obliged to slob around and eat junk food than I am forced to listen to the sickening pop music on all media twenty-four hours a day. Of course the food, the slobbishness and the rotten music are all signs of the way we society has degenerated: but no one is forced to become degenerate

Actually, we should not be surprised at the tone of this report: it is just the latest in a long line of reposrts and policy studies which remove individual responsibility and corporatise it. Essentially this method is statism, nascent totalitarianism

Annual Seafarers' Service

Nigel Essenhigh, the former First Sea Lord, invited Lynne and me to St Paul's for the Annual Service for Seafarers. The cathedral was full, packed with the great and the good, the high and the mighty. The hymns were marvellous including "I Vow To Thee My Country". The cathedral clergy sat either side of the ludicrous nave altar, facing the congregation in what looked like a colossal act of self-advertisement - "O do look at us!" There was a green and white squared cover over the altar looking like a kitchen table cloth. Perhaps the canons employ it for playing draughts?

Among them were Canon Lucy Winkett, our first lady bishop-in-waiting, and the Marxist Canon Ed Newell. You could see from their faces that they didn't like the hymns at all, and the wonderful military band even less. Fancy having to put up with all these awful military types, worse even than those "awkward people" (And that is an accurate quote) the Royal Family who insist on the King James Bible when they attend. Of course the lessons were read from some godforsaken version - the NIV or The Bad News Bible, perhaps? In the story of Our Lord's' stilling of the storm, the disciples are made to say, "Lord save us! We are perishing!"  To which Jesus must have been tempted to reply, "Cup of of Bovril's the only remedy, chaps!"

However, the mawkish canons got their reward: the preacher was Bishop James Jones of Liverpool - famous for his many "Thoughtless Today" appearances on Radio Four. He preached the only sermon I have ever heard which mentioned John Prescott once and God not at all. It was about global warming.

He compared the fight against global warming with the abolition of the slave trade and hoped that in this new struggle, as in the old one, two people might emerge - "one black and one white" - to achieve the cutbacks in carbon emission required to "save the harvests of the African people." He ended with a parable about class warfare which must have pleased Ed Newell no end: "We are like people on the "A" deck on a luxury cruise while the hold is packed with people drinking stagnant water."

After that we sang the National Anthem. And nobody laughed...

Royal night-clubbing

After a complaint from Clarence House, the Daily Mail has withdrawn a picture of Prince William and his girlfriend coming out of a nightclub it had intended to publish. I'd like to know what the heir to the throne is doing slumming it with the drunken oiks and posh yobs in such a decadent place anyhow. What sort of recreation is noise and binge drinking - to say nothing of other "substances" - for a Prince of the realm?

He should be socialising with other members of the aristocracy in private mansions, away from the cameras. Here he could pursue appropriate princely activities: discuss the form of his horses, learn to drink claret and play Canasta.  He might attend the opera or a symphony concert or a Shakespeare play. Honestly - could you seriously picture any of our right royal yoofful oiks showing the slightest interest in anything beyond a pop concert? 

The enormity of David Blunkett

David Blunkett, the former Home Secretary, who brought in police community support officers, was interviewed on Rado Four following the death by drowning of young boy. Controversially the two PCOs did nothing to try to rescue the boy. Blunkett said that the drowned boy should receive a posthumous medal for his bravery - "for the enormity of what he did."

"Enormity"? That's what he said. Let us remind ourselves that Blunkett used also to be Secretary of State for Education